主题：最近看到的笑话 -- 钛豌豆

"To the citizens of the United States of America, in thelight of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus togovern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchicalduties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, forthe 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outsideyour borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for furtherelections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determinewhether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British CrownDependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford EnglishDictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on yourpart. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half theletters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix"ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if youcan't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven wordsinterspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. Ifyou're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chatshows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to usebad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted totake account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of"-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australianaccents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents--- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcastwith subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there isno such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American Stateswill become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Englishactors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors toplay English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washyAmerican audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional politicalincorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Manshould never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "GodSave The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would notwant you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." Thereare other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football.However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the bestknown, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American"football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outsideyour borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead playproper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It isa difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to playrugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involvestopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armourlike nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside ofNorth America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will beallowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseballwithout fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You willno longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than avegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handlepotentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry avegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd ofNovember will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called"Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it isfor your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what wemean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. Youwill start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversiontables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British senseof humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgianthough 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cutand fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer whichshould be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will beadded to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantityto be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling"beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1stonly proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," andEuropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as"Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer"will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," withthe exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product willbe referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allowtrue Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic)to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or"gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1stof April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to thoseof the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without usingguns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns shouldonly be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things outwithout suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown upenough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be withyou shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thankyou for your co-operation."

恶搞版的英女王撤销美国独立谕令

致全体美国公民，鉴于你们无法选出一个称职的美国总统来管理国家，因此我们将撤销你们的独立地位，即日生效。

女王陛下伊丽莎白二世将继续统治所有州、英联邦和其他领土。

除了犹他州之外，因为女王不喜欢它。

——译注：犹他州是摩门教老家，一夫多妻制，当初犹他州在放弃了多妻制后才加入联邦。所以女王不喜欢它。

你们的新首相（尊敬的托尼布莱尔，你们中97.85%的人都没有意识到世界不单单只有你们存在）将无需选举直接指派一人来担任美国的首相。

众议院和参议院将被解散。

明年将有一份调查来统计你们是否都已经获悉。

——译注：因为美国人太不关心国家和政治，所以国会解散后都不一定知道，要发一份调查来统计。

为了顺利过渡到英国的一个附属国，以下法令将立即生效：

1.首先你要在牛津英语字典里查阅“撤销”这个词。然后是“aluminium”这个词，注意查看音标，你就会发现你刚才的发音错得有多离谱了。

字母U也要在“favour”、“neighbour”这些词中恢复；你们把U省略掉只不过是为了偷懒。同样的，你们要学着正确拼写“doughnut”而不是省略掉一半字母。后缀“ize”将会改成“ise”。

你要学着将后缀“burgh”发成“burra”比如Edinburgh。如果你无法正确发音的话，我们也欢迎你们将Pittsburgh改成“Pittsberg”。

总之你们要将你们的词汇量提高到一个差不多的水平。现在字典里查“vocabulary”这个词。交流的时候充斥着“uhh”、“like”、“you know”这些噪音是无法接受和低效的。你再去去查查“interspresed”这个词。

Jerry Springer脱口秀里也不会再出现“bleeps”（译注：和谐消音）了。如果你太小还不适合接触这些不雅的语言的话，你就会被禁止收看脱口秀节目。如果你试着提高你的单词量，你就不需要老是说这些粗话。

——译注：女王狠狠吐槽了美国语言的粗俗和不规范。

2. 根本就没什么“美式英语”。我们将以你们的名义告知微软。微软拼写检查会自动补充漏写的字母“u”并删除后缀“ize”

——译注：美国都没有了，肯定没有什么“美式英语”了。当然女王继续吐槽美国糟糕的拼写。

3. 你要学习如何分辨英国口音和澳大利亚口音，这并不难。英国口音并不止是伦敦腔、上流社会或者曼切斯特（译注：《欢乐一家亲》中的达芙妮）口音。

你还要学习地方口音——像“Taggart”这种苏格兰戏剧以后我们播放的时候就不带字幕了。

既然说到了地方，那你就要知道在英国没有哪个地方是叫“Devonshire”（译注：英国德文郡），这个郡的拼写是“Devon”。如果你坚持那种错误的叫法，那所有美国的州都会变成什么什么“shires”了，比如“Txeasshire”、“Floridashire”、“Louisianashire”。

——女王开始吐槽口音了。后面三个美国的州分别是德克萨斯、佛罗里达和路易斯安那。

4. 好莱坞要不时地让英国演员出演正面形象，所有扮演英国人角色的必须由英国人出演。

像“MenBehaving Badly”“Red Dwarf”（译注：淘气男人和红矮星号）这样的英国情景喜剧不能因为无趣的美国观众无法适应里面偶尔的政治不正确就改编或者删减。“ItalianJob”和“WickerMan”（译注：美国电影偷天换日和异教徒）这样的流行题材电影不得再拍。

——女王开喷美国的政治正确。

5. 你要重新学唱国歌《上帝保佑女王》，不过在此之前你必须要先完成任务1。我们不想你因为不会唱而唱半截就停下来。

6. 你们不能再玩什么美式足球（橄榄球）。还有其他的什么澳式什么的足球，但是最好的足球运动——不要再以“soccer”来称呼它，它是最广为人知、大家最喜欢和最流行的项目。你所说的什么美式足球没劲透了。

你们当中2.15%知道在你们的疆外还有一个世界的人可能会注意到除你们之外没有其他人踢美式足球。你们将被禁止踢美式足球，改踢真正的足球。开始时，你们最好先和姑娘们一起比。这可是很难的项目，时间长了，你们中的一些人有胆量的人我们会允许他们踢英式橄榄球（它和“美式”足球相似，但它不是每二十秒钟就停下歇一歇或让人全身穿着凯夫拉保护服包得跟女人一样）。

我们希望在2008年起码能有一支由美国人组成的七人候补队员。

你们不要再玩什么篮球了，一个除了北美之外没人玩的比赛你们就不该组织什么“世界杯”。鉴于你们之中只有2.15%的人知道除了你们之外还有其他人存在，你们的错误是可以理解的。取代篮球的是，我们允许你们玩女孩子玩的游戏叫做“rounders”，它是种棒球游戏，不过没有那种扩张的球服、超大的手套、收藏卡或者热狗之类的。

7. 你们将被禁止持有或者携带枪支。你们将被禁止在公共场所持有或者携带危险性超过蔬菜削皮器的任何东西。我们认为按照你们的智商难以理解什么叫潜在危险物品，所以你们想要在公共场所携带蔬菜削皮器的话，你们必须获得审批。

8. 7月4日不再是国家公共假日。11月2日将成为新的国家假日，不过只限于大不列颠区域。节日名称为“犹豫不决日”。

9. 所有的美国车辆将被禁止。它们都是些垃圾，禁止是为了你好。给你们看看德国车你们就知道我们说的是什么意思了。

所有的交叉路口都要改成环岛型。你们要立刻开始靠左行驶。你们要立刻实行公制单位，而且不得根据转换率获利。环岛型和公制有助于你们理解英式幽默。

10. 你们要学做真正的薯条。你们说的所谓“法式炸薯条”不是真正的薯条。炸薯条压根不是法国作法，是比利时人最先开始做的，虽然97.85%的美国人（包括首先在欧洲发现薯条的那个美国人）都不知道还有个叫比利时的国家。你们坚持叫做薯条的东西其实应该叫做“脆薯条”。切成厚厚的然后用动物油脂炸出来的才是真正的薯条。而且最常用的搭配是常温且跑气了的啤酒。

还有，女招待也要更殷勤点。

11. 作为惩罚，所有在马萨诸塞州境内生产的茶叶将要加征每杯5克海盐的税，如果是在波士顿生产的茶则税率翻番。

12. 那种冰冷无味的你们称之为“啤酒”的东西根本就不是啤酒，那是“窖藏啤酒”。从11月1日起，只有正宗的英国苦啤酒才能叫“啤酒”，欧洲酿造的知道产地并被认可的要叫做“窖藏啤酒”。之前的那种今后要叫做“接近冰冻的蚊子尿”，百威公司生产的则要叫做“接近冰冻的淡蚊子尿”。这样一来的话真正的百威啤酒（已经在捷克共和国生产了1000年了）在销售时不会被人混淆。

13. 从11月10号开始英国将调整英国和前美国的油价（你可以保留你的美式叫法直到4月1日）。英国的油价将会调整为前美国的油价，当然前美国的油价将要调整为英国现行的油价（大概6美元每加仑——好好享受它）。

14. 你要学着自己独立解决问题，而不是依靠枪支、律师或者是精神治疗师。你们需要那么多的律师和精神治疗师，表明你们不够成熟因此没有独立的能力，只有成年人才能持有枪支。一碰到事情你就要告别人或者求助于精神治疗师，这只能说明你还不够成熟，那你肯定不能很好地处理枪支问题。

15. 一定要告诉我们到底是谁杀死了肯尼迪，这个疑问快把我们弄疯了。

16. 女王政府的税收员将会开始工作以确保征齐所有应收税款（从1776年起算）

谢谢合作。