主题：贴自己的旧文一篇，用行动加入和支持英语角！ -- 山有木兮

一个挣扎的灵魂在路上

当时是酒后随意写下的'漫记'。用的是英文。几年过去了，回头看心情和当时已经很不一样了:平和了不少下来，知道随遇，知道惜缘；也想明白了世界是基因和meme们的战场，因此我自己也有立场和因此有组织。

心情不一样了所以不想用中文重写，偷偷懒。当时写得随意，任意识流动，今天也还是不做任何改动为好。

或有有缘者读之。

西行漫记(3): A lonely Christmas

This is the end of 2005; I decided to go away for the Christmas, from School, from Dublin, from people I know. Well,nothing serious,just a decision.

Yes,surely I do have alternatives: Beatriz invited me to spend Christmas with her and her husband, Gabriel, mostly for religious reason; FB invited me to join his family for Christmas, mostly for business reason; Danny wanted me to go for lunch with her and Patrick, for their memories of Harbin; Liyan asked me to dinner and Poker game afterwards in her place, mostly for friendship reason. Also, Albert called from London saying that I was in his mind and he wished me a happy Christmas.

Whatever~

Now I am here, the only guest in a hotel in Salthill, Galway; even the manager left for a family dinner gathering in his mother’s.

From watching TV, I realised that Christmas is basically for humans to feel the warmth and love, both of which must be very essential for our lives. That’s why in this world we have, besides business networks, societies, families, and institutionalized religions, all the means organizing individuals together. It can hardly be unconditional love or warmth, I am sure. To be close, people share the same believes or interests: you hand over some freedom in trade of warmth, closeness, and love.

'We are on the one road,

share the one load,

we are on the road to God knows where~

we are on the one road, it may be the wrong road,

but we are together

now who cares~!'

Wolfe Tones is singing, On the One Road!.

Oh, it sounds great eh? to have yourself been made to be part of something wih whatsoever a name!

Unfortunately, I have serious difficulties to join the club-I cherish the freedom of exploring and learning.

Of course I know I am among people, walking around in this world! and, yes, I care about them and many things too.

I swam in Dublin Bay for Charity on Christmas day 2003, my first Christmas in a Catholic country. This year, I just did it again, 20 minutes ago in the Atlantic at Galway Bay. Now I’m writing this after drinking whiskey while sitting in the hot tub.

This morning during my seaside walk at around 10 o’ clock, I saw only two swimmers, one of which an ardent and pleasant lady. Then very quickly more people gathered at Blackrock diving point (there is a 'Blackrock' in Galway, also a ‘Seapoint’ too! I bet if you travel farther you see more times the same names in many places-we are actually not so creative in naming places or even ourselves, aren't we!).

I quickly ran back to hotel to put my swimsuit on inside. Then I joined the crowds at Blackrock. The water was a little bit deeper and colder for me, not yet a good swimmer, so I dipped into it 3 times, swam a little each time, and only tried to stay a bit longer each time then before.

The sea is cold and so endlessly vast; So is the nature, or so is the universe itself to human beings’ eyes, I guess. For just this reasion, being alone is not a comfortable situation.

I don’t have a warm home here, nor can I share God’s love with my neighbours. This doesn’t mean that I am living a miserable life. I simply need to be creative: I prepared a little bottle of Jameson Whiskey, it helped me to get warm quickly after swimming; I had a hot bath also. I called my dearest one telling him that I had been to the sea and, guess what, he asked whether I had taken a few pictures!

I remember once I saw a film about how important that children should hold the faith on the existence of Santa Claus. Oh hoho~,I agree,I agree! because otherwise, hey simply look at me!

… …

It's 5:45 pm now. I just had a nice long walk around Galway and corrected a few grammar mistakes I made in writing the above notes (must be the alcohol!). I walked from up Salthill to River Corrib, crossed the Wolfe Tone Bridge, (there is a huge piece of green grassland as a football pitch!), and walked back along the seaside trial.

I saw a wonderful sunset on the Atlantic-people at the other side of the world must be having a sunrise then. The sun looked so so so big: about 3 times as big as what we see most of the times. It was so beautiful with the pink clouds on the teal&blue sky, and the shining ocean there beneath it.

OK, I know the sun looked big and its light so mild because of the characterastics of the air at that moment--the light is scattered. Still I enjoyed the beautiful scenery. Maybe miracles exist in this world anyway, independent of the way you DECIDE to see them. I might even name what motivates my pursuit of knowledge 'a faith' (?)and, define the source of my happiness 'The God'! Then I would be among the most religious humans, in fact, I am actually an ardent priest! Or, a female monk from the oriental ha?

Being 'religious' in this way still cannot give me the warmth though, or the sense of belonging, around most people, can it?

'So, love everybody but trust only the few

as the world you go traveling through---

I have no wife to bother me life,

no love to prove untrue,

The whole day long I love the sun

and paddle my own canon…'

Hei,Hei, The Wolfe Tones are singing again while I am finishing this little note to myself (Am I going to let anyone else read it in future?? em...). I truly love everybody so most of the times I am not alone at all. I know that most people see me as a good person, a really nice or even lovely one, only somewhat crazy. Ha!

No, no, you got me wrong— I don't feel that I am superior to others, not to any extent! I am mature enough to behave humble but I also know I have to be strong. We are humans, no better or worse, only decisions.

Anno Santo Hotel, Salthill, Galway, Ireland

December 25, 2005

注:

1。圣诞节的当天下海游泳可能是爱尔兰当地的有些宗教色彩的习俗。近些年宗教意义淡化了，更象是冬泳爱好者的一个活动。而冬泳爱好者以老年人居多。有为慈善募捐的且有成为主流的趋势。2003年俺考虑下海，BRP的秘书Joy O‘Hara主动提出她负责宣传和收钱，俺只管游泳就行。她设计了PPT，很有表现力，说中国女士将挑战Irish Sea， 所筹集善款将捐给某儿童医院。圣诞节还没到就有捐款每天进来，有俺认识的也有不认识的，好象很轰动的样子。系里的长者也有劝俺慎重从事，说俺是'crazy girl'！嘿，太晚啦，骑虎难下啦！俺就去了。这里所记的是05年那次。回来后见Joy 兴高采烈地抱着收钱盒子，俺们把钱捐出去时特有成就感！实话说，太冷了，俺再也不多干了。

2。这好几年过去了，如今俺已经在南半球安家。圣诞节可以在温暖的海滩上溜达晒太阳，喝啤酒，带着一本书读。被当地朋友们邀请加入她们的家人庆祝，已不再是那么挣扎的事了--子曰：吾从众；黄帝内经说：美其食、任其服、乐其俗。俺已经没问题了，也没失去一个中国人的自我。

3。圣诞节对俺之所以如此特别，就是因为到处都关闭，没处可去，俺只能自己整点儿疯狂滴！